I'm Sorry

Mom, i'm sorry for all the wrongdoings that i've done to you. I'm sorry if i've grew up not according to your plan. I'm sorry if my ignorances hurt your feelings. I'm sorry for my laziness towards the chores you've gave me. I'm sorry for everything.

Mom, do you know that it hurts me when you yelling at me? I know i'm not your perfect child, not the child that you've dreamt of. Not the child that you wanted. I keep in silence when you throw those words to me, so that you anger will be lessen. I really wish that i've never been born as your child if my presence here hurts you a lot. I'm sorry.

Mom, do you know how much i love you? Do you know how i pray for you every single breath that i've taken through my whole life? Do you know that my heart stumble just to see you sad? I really want to go back home every weekend but still i'm afraid that i'll lift up your anger. Lift up everything that will hurts me just to hear it.

I know you love Angah more than me. More than Kakak. More than you love yourself. Eventhough you deny it, i just know. The looks in your eyes tells me. They tell me that he is you perfect child. Eventhough you always fall asleep waiting him come back, eventhough you save food to feed him, i know you know that he will not come back. No, not tonight. Not the night that he's supposed to come back. The night that he'd promised you. It hurts me looking at how badly you wanted to see him, but he never showed up. How i wish i was him so that i can see your smile. How i wish that to happen.

Remember you hit me for not doing the chores? I accepted it mom. Sincerely, i am. But it hurts me when you give too much attention to him. As i am not your child anymore. It hurts mom, it really hurts.

I wish i can tell things that i wrote here to you. How i wish i can speak fluently like i was typing it smoothly. How i want to show you this post that represent how i felt right now. How hurt my heart is. As a child, i love you a lot. Love you more than anyone else. Love you more than my life, my very own soul. How i wish i could disappear so that you will feel calm and at peace.

I know you love me. Eventhough it is not like what you did to Angah, but i know you do love me. But you dont know how to express it. Pak Ngah said its your way to show your love to me like this. And i just smiled when i come to think of it. Whatever you do, whatever you say, whatever things that you will take, i will always love you.